It's only platonic...right?

Warning: this post contains the hormonal rantings of a confused and emotionally charged woman. Read at your own risk. Skip if you need to.

Last night I received the best back and head massage ever. Normally, I don't like back massages except from close girl friends and even then I'm super picky because I'm such a wimp. Anyway, this massage was from a guy. Not just any guy, no. It happened to be the dude I'm attracted to right now. In fact, let's call him Dude. Before you get any ideas, understand that Dude is touchy feely by nature with most girls (which is kind of a problem because he doesn't always understand space issues for some girls). But honestly, that back massage was just right. Like Baby Bear's porridge. As if I was giving myself one. Also, because I believe in the law of reciprocity (or so I told him) I gave him one in return. My best work, of course. Dude mentioned in the middle of it, that maybe he got the better end of the deal. Haha. I'm awesome.

My problem? In my opinion, I enjoyed them more than I should have. I was very verbal about how much I appreciated what Dude was doing and how much I liked it. That's not a problem, what's that you say? Back massages are only platonic? Oh, how I wish I could say that's how it was for me. A back massage is an act of kindness and love for that person. It's difficult for me not to want to transfer those feelings of "oh hey, that's really sweet and kind of you" from platonic to the next level. I realize I still don't know him that well, but I want to now. After 7-8 months of knowing Dude and making fun of him (mostly without his knowledge) for being such a spaz, I want to actually get to know him.
The heart does weird stuff, man.
I think Dude's realized that my attitude about him has changed. For the time being, I'm getting some nice hugs initiated by him. I've actually made efforts to talk to him like a real person. Imagine that? Dude, you did not help my crush. You made it worse by enhancing it. This was a meaningful connection to me. The other was a 4 wheeler ride I took with him a couple weeks ago.
Hold up. I suppose I should give you some background on this (for those whom I have not told the story). The rest of you can skip down to the paragraph starting with "Again, a meaningful..."

Bishopric FHE, up at Brother Hyde's, who has a lot of land around his house. He has an all terrain vehicle (the Zephyr) and a decently powered four-wheeler. Originally, Dude was giving rides to any girls that wanted to in the Zephyr, but it turned into a 4 wheeler ride when the Zephyr was  being used by someone else and had not returned yet. Dude was hesitant to get on the 4-wheeler and started self-talk rambling (like he does frequently), "No, no, I shouldn't go on a 4-wheeler ride with someone I don't know very well..." I assured him that it would be okay, that I was fine with 4-wheelers and such. (I had lost my mind at that point. I haven't been on a 4-wheeler ride in years. It's not exactly my favorite.) It didn't take very much to convince him. So I climbed on behind him and held on to the rack behind me. I'm not the type to be like, (insert high-pitched voice): "oh hey let me put my arms around you, tee-hee, oh my, I'm scared! let me hold you tighter!" Yeah. That's not me. I'm too dang independent. So Dude takes off, PDQ. I'm terrified. I don't want to fall. I'm like, okay, these bars are sturdy but I'm gonna fall off this 4-wheeler backwards if I don't put at least one arm around Dude. So out of self-preservation, I put one arm around Dude. Dude goes faster, naturally (darn him). Still stubbornly clinging to the rack bar, with the other hand and the strange "I can't hold on to a body, it's not secure" idea. Dude glances over his shoulder once. Dude, glances over his shoulder twice. I'm thinking "Dude, what are you doing? Keep your eyes on the road!" but I say nothing. Third time, Dude looks back, grabs my hand off the bar and pulls it around his waist to join the other one. Welp. I'm where I wanted to be in the deepest part of my soul but was too terrified to do otherwise. It was so thrilling. The wind whipping through my hair, the speed, my adrenaline and the fact that my arms were around the guy I liked. (Yeah, I don't get out that much.) Dude was crazy, he was going off jumps (we got air, I was terrified), climbing steep hills and going down 4 foot embankments. It was muddy, but it was fantastic. Then we returned and the Zephyr was free and Dude without hesitation was just like "Let's go!" and because I didn't have time to think and only wanted to spend time with him, I pushed past my fear and went. Dude was a little crazier because the Zephyr had seatbelts and an "Oh CRAP!" bar I could hang on to. But it was so fun and I relished that time with him.

Again, a meaningful connection with very close proximity. It's only platonic, right? Say that to me when the romantic in me is yelling "Frack no!" and searching for anything to connect us. Yes, I sound like a crazy woman. I'm very guarded about guys touching me or hugging me unless I know the boundaries very clearly. I get "ideas and start thinking..." "Why Catie, you're positively primeval!" (B&tB, anyone?) Basically, physical touch is HUGE for me. It's one of my "languages of love" (said in a high-pitched mocking tone, complete with eye roll).

I am SO bad at showing a guy I like him!! Rough rule!!! Fail!! Yeah we had a hug last night (hello hug, way before the back massage), I went in from the side and he gave a full on hug and in my head I was like "Wow, screwed that one up." To make matters worse, it's that time where my hormones are every which way. I just don't understand. Well, I do. I like him a lot more. He's a goob, but he's an increasingly cute goob. Dangiiiit. I hate it when I like guys because I lose my everloving mind.

I want to kiss Dude's face off. Hard core. Stupid hormones. Yeah, I know its not wrong to want this. My feelings are only natural. I just wish they weren't so intense. But who am I? I'm an intense person. I cannot defy how I am hardwired without there being some level of difficulty. I think I need to give it a couple of days until I return to a normal mindset and see how I feel. That's thing, though! Normally, during this time, guys are THE LAST thing I wanna be around. With him, I want to be with him, even though I feel like the Goodyear Blimp and my insides want to be on my outsides. I'm terrified of being rejected. But I realize I'm terrified to commit to something as well if I'm not sure about it. Groan, moan, complain and witch. That's how I feel when I'm in a sitch.

Thanks for letting me vent. At least these thoughts won't be wandering around in my brain knocking over trash cans and scaring cats like an inebriate.

Catie out.