A new awakening

Today, I start a new journey. I had an awakening and realized that I need to stop a habit I've had for 19 years. I have been told time and time again to stop doing it, but this time I choose to stop it. For me. Not because someone else told me to (how stubbornly independent of me ;)).

This is a battle against self-loathing.

Self-loathing in any extremity is harmful physically, emotionally and spiritually. While I haven't resorted to defiling my body, I still have a healthy amount of self-loathing. Now, don't get me wrong, there are things about me that I absolutely love, but these things have come because of great roommates and friends who have supported me and helped me to see truth for what it is. Of who I am, what my strengths are, where my talents lie, what things I'm really good at. On a spiritual level, it's been said that if we really knew who we are, that we are literal children of our Heavenly Father and that He is our divine father, that we would have no cause to doubt in ourselves or our abilities and talents (paraphrased). To this end, I say that I believed that God was my spirit's father, but in no way could that be connect to me and my flawed physical body and mind with mortal limitations.
I felt like I heard every piece of advice and thoughts on the subject, almost to the point of exhaustion. Yet, still I have my bad days when self-loathing comes in kicks up some dust in my life.

Here's where I came to an awakening. Today, a lovely lady named Lannette, lost her battle with cancer and passed away. This lady had a very meaningful place in my life. I didn't realize it until today. She wasn't a relative. She was a family friend and a fellow member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints who lived my ward in Southern California. She was a bus driver for a school district and I was one of the kids she drove to Kindergarten every day. Later, she was my Merrie Miss leader (now called Achievement Day leader) when I was 11 years old. As I think back on how she influenced my life, I am awed by what she did. I was an awkward and gawky 11 year old. I had big feet, I was too tall and too book smart for my own good. I wore hand-me-downs and my wore my very long hair in a braid or a messy ponytail. I didn't fit in with the rest of the 11 year old girls in my group. I was homeschooled, sheltered and very naïve about the things of life but acted as if I was more mature than "those silly girls". My life didn't revolve around my style of clothing, if I wore makeup, painted my nails or if "so-and-so" was cute or liked me. I was absorbed in my world of books and imagination. I loved historical fiction and found myself dreaming as if I were Betsy Ray, Anne of Green Gables or Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was everywhere but here. I didn't want to be here. I felt like few if any of the girls liked me or wanted to like me. They were nice enough, but I was paranoid about whispers and giggles. I knew they were talking about me, they were laughing at me because I was different. I wasn't like them. Or were they really? I honestly don't remember if that was a reality or if it was all in my head. While I resented them for a long time because of it, I realized that I also resented myself. I didn't fit the model. I wasn't like the rest of the girls and it was very painful for me. I wanted to belong, I wanted to fit in. I couldn't make it work. What did it matter anyway?

Lannette was very kind and funny. She had the coolest and largest collection of porcelain dolls I'd ever seen. She would always let me help her and we'd always have chats when I got upset from being teased about my looks, clothes and the big words that came out of my mouth. There were days when I didn't want to go to Merrie Miss days, but Lannette always made sure to personally invite me. Perhaps she saw that I needed her love. She didn't necessary know that it might have been the beginnings of my self-loathing, but she understood that I needed encouragement and support and love. For this I am eternally grateful. As I think back over my teenage years, I am grateful for every woman who taught me, counseled with me, spent time  and loved me in spite of my self-loathing. Cheryl, Meri, Patti, Jenn, Mary, Jenifer, Connie, Kathy, Valerie, Karen, Laura and Kristen. I'm sure there are so many more women than that who added to my strength, but these ladies in particular were very impactful.

So, why do I self-loathe?
It starts in comparing yourself to others. You look for not what you have in common, but what you lack, why you aren't like them. In my case, I was always one step behind. Never on the same page. Never in reality. I figured if I didn't like myself, nobody else would either and they would always be looking for opportunities to get rid of me. Just like when I was 11. So, with exception to the kindest souls, I pushed people away from me because of hurt, sadness and anger.
Not the best course of action. It has taken me reading books on accepting and loving yourself, taking personality tests to identify the positive traits in me, many talks with trusted friends, roommates and family, spiritual development in my true identity as a daughter of God and many more things to get me to a healthy perspective of where I am in my self-loathing and what else I need to get rid of so I can be a healthy thinker with a positive outlook.

I intend to make this a blog of accountability, so when I feel self-loathing I will post it so I can see it for what it is and get rid of it. Wish me good luck. ::Salutes::