"nothing's wrong with me"

Hello blog-o-sphere, I am back. I have many thoughts that need to be expressed. Hopefully the success rate will be higher here than my verbal expression. In my Mind Colosseum, it's the Christians (my journal) vs. the Lions (my blog). The Lions won this time, so it's going on the blog.

Tonight's topic in question- Love and Relationships: Remembering that there's nothing wrong with you.

All my life I have read about love, sung about love and thought about love. Now, I write about love. Love is an indescribable thing. I tend to look at Love like the multiple-sided die that comes in the Scattergories box. There are SO many sides to it.

Anecdote: I had a conversation with a gal pal of mine Ms. J, where she revealed that she had been spending some time over the past two weeks with a guy, let's call him Mr. N. I had been interested in him up until then and J said she didn't want me to hear it from someone else. I needed to know that she was trying to figure things out about Mr. N because she really didn't know what kind of guy he was. She only knew about Mr. N from what other people had told her. J said: "I'm not like, super in to him, but I want to see if he is someone I want to have a relationship with." That is fair enough.

My heart hurt a little. I thought, Welp, there goes another* wasted, unrequited crush. Honestly, I keep myself distant enough from guys like Mr. N, the chronic-flirters-that-never-really-act-on-it, so that the separation is easier. I gave J lots of hugs and let her know that I valued her more than stinky ol' Mr. N. J, wise beyond her years, said, "Seriously, don't stop pursuing him if you want to pursue him still. Mr. N might wake up one day and be like Oh, I want Catie instead of  J." That was kind of her to say that, but I honestly doubt that will come to fruition.That's just not how life works, friends.

Anecdote 2: *A week and a half ago, I gave up one of my unrequited crushes on my friend Mr. P, because I realized that he and my friend Tee were getting closer and she Facebook messaged me asking how I really felt about Mr. P and Mr. N (yeah, Tee knew about Mr. N, too) and what my crush situation was. I told her I was still attracted to Mr. P but since he was paying more attention and showing interest in her, she date him if she wanted to because he was a good guy.

ANYWAY- I just told Tee that I was trying to figure out a whole lot of crap in my life and that I didn't really know what I wanted. This was partially false. I did know what I wanted. But what I wanted and what I could have were two totally different things. Tee said I was Christ-like and a good person and blah blah blah. Yeah, I gave up a crush. I was not territorial and focused on the happiness of two people I care about: Mr. P and my Tee-girl. I call that being a mature, compassionate and understanding human being (that also happens to fit under the Christ-like category). Plus, it makes zero sense to hang on to feelings for someone when you know they will never reciprocate.

Back to Ms. J.

I could tell J was trying to read my face. I plastered on my happy face, but knew she could see the pain in my eyes (chalk one up to my dang transparency). I thanked her for letting me know about her and Mr. N and how much that meant to me. I was going to go to the temple tomorrow and asked if she'd like to come with me. She said yes, and we planned a time and put it in our calendars. I gave her lots of hugs and let her know how much I valued her as a friend and human. J needed to know that I still loved her even though she caused me a little hurt. That was most important.

Now to the point of the topic, J and I were talking about how I didn't have a lot of experience with guys asking me out. In the past, a common thought for me would've been, "What's wrong with me?" but in that moment where I might've inserted that question into the conversation, I said, "I don't get it. There's nothing wrong with me." Wow. Surprised myself with that one. After years and years of self-doubt and because J knows and loves me, I said "There's nothing wrong with me." and believed it.

"There's nothing wrong with me." Any human being can within a matter of seconds, find or list at least 1-5 things "wrong with them". This is not statistical scripture, just speculation from articles I've read in prestigious literature such as the Better Homes and Gardens, Parenting, Web MD and Neurology Weekly magazines found in my specialist's waiting room :). When something bad happens we immediately assume something is wrong. That there is a problem. With young single adult members of the church, if we are not dating and forming relationships and continuing the Circle of Life (cue African singers) there is something seriously wrong with us.

As I mentally listed the things I thought were wrong with me in the past, I had a different perspective. The realization that they were not all negative, they weren't wrong. That person just wasn't right for me. I realized what a handful I could be, but J summed it up nicely. "You could give so much more to Mr. N in a relationship than I ever could give him." I concluded with, "Maybe that's why guys hesitate to date me; they know how much I'm capable of giving and terrifies them."

So there's nothing wrong with me. I'm gonna end here because my brain shut down. Goodnight.