"I could have been a great many things."

Whether you are here because you liked the quote, you love my blog writings (liar) or you just wanted to click on the ALL THE THINGS picture, I welcome you.

This actual quote is said by Jo March in Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. Although I read the book as a tweenager, I remember it best from the 1994 movie with Winona Ryder, Susan Sarandon, Trini Alvarado, Claire Daines and Kirsten Dunst (my favorite adaptation).

In the movie, the scene is set as Jo and Professor Bhaer are at dinner in their boardinghouse with the rest of the men, discussing why women should vote.

I have long wished to reflect my own feelings of Jo March’s words because I have felt her sentiments quite consistently over the past 31 years I’ve spent on this blue planet. The words echo through my mind like an existential bad dream with WAY too many choices. “I could’ve been a great many things.” Can’t I still BE a great many things? My life is far from being over. I realize daily the many gifts and talents I’ve been given and frankly it’s a little frustrating to just choose one to excel at. So I settle for being relatively good at most.

In my mind, I realize how much I limit myself because of fear and my own misconceptions of how I’m seen by others. I know I have dealt with paralyzing fear for my entire life. It’s nothing new. ‘Yet, I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made (Mosiah 7:18).’ quotes the pessimist in me (or realist, depends on your perspective). One day I will overcome it. Until then, I have to decide WHO I want to be. For some reason, I grew up with the notion that people are categorized by static likes and dislikes, careers and thoughts and opinions. Boy, was I surprised when I found out that this is not actually the case. There are some (read: very few) who know exactly what they like, dislike, think, care about, etc. with very little variation, BUT in truth, most people change and it is gradual, rather than erratic changes. WELL. I haven’t found that balance yet. My pendulum of change could be the ceiling fan in my room. Yes, I have discovered that I suck at quite a few things, but that doesn’t change the fact that I still consider endless possibilities. Yeah. That’s too many possibilities for my corpus callosum to deal with.

So, confession: After teaching preschool/childcare for 5 years, I quit it altogether. I couldn’t do it anymore. I never thought I would be one of those teachers that couldn’t hack it. I was stronger than that, even in my struggles. Welp, when I realized that I definitely couldn’t hack it and the best option was for me to get the heck outta Dodge, that’s when I had to be really strong. I had no idea what to do next. All I knew was that I had bills to pay and I needed a job to meet those commitments. And eating. I needed to eat, too.

Now the problem at hand: I want to be ALL THE THINGS. People with ‘the sense God give a flea’ know that that no one can be ALL THE THINGS because that’s exhausting and if you were all the things then you would be no thing at all. NOTHING. Why would you want to do that? To be that?
So that’s why I settle for boxes, labels and (lol) college majors. What are you going to be when you grow up? What are you going to do with your life? Trying to choose your life’s vocation while still figuring out who you are and what you want to do is frustrating, terrifying and not very cost-effective. So, on my downtime, I decided mentally itemize ALL THE THINGS I wanted to be and found that for everything I wanted to do, there was always something negative I countered it with. I realized I had become Morph from Treasure Planet (thanks, Jules!) without shape or concrete form.

Like a blank space (YOUR AD COULD BE HERE). I would look in the mirror and  forget what I looked like. I’m constantly reflecting others’ personalities and quirks. I felt myself identifying with fictitious shape and appearance shifter characters like Mystique from X-Men and Nymphadora Tonks from Harry Potter. 

Besides the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the belief that I have a God who is my Heavenly Father and I am essentially his spirit daughter- I DON’T KNOW IF I AM OKAY WITH WHO I AM. At my core, I see myself as being rather boring because I need to have and spend so much time alone. I like being by myself. I’m not sad. Occasionally, I get lonely if I don’t interact with some people during the day, but I am content to be by myself. That being said, I am constantly deciding whether I want to choose to conform to what society purports to value and want- someone who is extroverted, charming, engaging, cultured, mysterious and beautiful because then I will be wanted. BUT-- these are straight up lies. Beautiful, lovely, binding, leeching, grasping, desperate lies. I need to find value in the things I possess. My crazy honesty, kindness, care for other people, my over-the-top enthusiasm, my silly quirks like solo dance parties or constantly forgetting song lyrics, and just enough snark to keep things interesting. These are the things I should prize. I need to remember that.

So, while looking for work and getting interviews, I’m doing what I love. Dancing, drawing, cross-stitching, reading. Things that an accomplished lady circa Austenian time would be at home doing. Too bad I was born waaaaaay too late for that kind of thing. Besides, I like pants too much to give them up.