today

P.S.: I wrote this before lunch and I hadn't had breakfast.

Today is a post for me. Just me. It's not inspirational, it's not uplifting. It's me venting about why I'm feeling crappy today. Raw, unedited me. If you still choose to read this: fasten your seat belt.
Today I am feeling like a huge burden. Whew that was nice to admit. I've been feeling like an emotional and medical burden. Those feelings come and go as they please. I'm working on controlling them but it's hard. It sucks being an emotional yo-yo. It's difficult to cope and function when I still struggle with low self-worth, anxiety, my seizure disorder and then try to balance that with my roles as a loving sister, daughter and friend. Some days I just snap. I hate the fact that my emotions get the best of me and I honestly try to keep them as level as I can. I have a problem and I'm trying to fix it. It is important for me to vent to someone once in awhile and I can't vent to family anymore. I'm sure they're tired of my strugs because I'm not changing and they have to walk on eggshells when I'm P.O.-ed. I hate the fact that I'm overly sensitive. No one likes to deal with people that are touchy about everything. I can't be all things to all people and I know that, but it sure doesn't stop me from trying. There are days when I am just sad. Most of the time it's influenced by any of the above. I don't like it. Some days I feel completely helpless and dependent. Discipline is part of my every day and while it doesn't seem like it, it is. If I'm not disciplined in getting my body the things that it needs, I gradually fall apart. When I get lost in the undisciplined routine, it is easy to feel like I don't matter and no one would miss me if I disappeared or died (which is NOT TRUE). They are very clever lies and sometimes I like to believe them. It sucks. I know they are lies, I know what they do to me and I still allow them in my head. Some days I enjoy being in a miserable hole and in twisted way I actually like it. I know my family loves me, but dealing with an unstable daughter/sister has got to suck. I'm not surprised that my sister uses it against me sometimes. It hurts a lot when she does it. There are things that I cannot change and there are things that I can and I work on changing, to the best that I know how. Because of this, I act differently in public than in private. My sister accuses me of being two-faced. I will say it right here: She's right. I am two-faced. I am upbeat, funny and loving in public in the hopes that I will really become that, even if I am feeling sad that day. My public behavior is extremely sincere, there is no deception. But I use this outgoingness to help me escape the mental and emotional monsters that I deal with in my head. I mainly pity my father. He has taken more crap from me than anyone else in my entire life. Yet, he says he still loves me. Even though I know the fact, I haven't internalized it yet. I only see that which is to hate, despise and detest in myself. It sucks. It is hard to deal with the fact that I push away the ones I love the most. The constant battle in my head of what I'm thinking vs. actual reality is a stark contrast. I don't want people to have to deal with my multi-colored moods; I want to be the person that helps other people. The thought of eventual matrimony is not very optimistic, why would you want marry into an emotional and financial drain? Most people wouldn't. Until I can effectively deal with my issues on a personal level, I don't see that I would be very desireable as a marriage partner. I have strugs with this, so my dating life isn't that great. But enough about that caveat.
I heard a talk the other day about serving others. Service helps us forget about ourselves and allows the Lord to use us in our capacities. I don't feel like I've done all that I need to and that is extremely discouraging. I guess I need to read Pres. Uchtdorf's talk from the R.S. Conference again or memorize it or something. These feelings are ridiculous and I need to break away from them. I can and I will. Just be patient with me. Please?