One of the most emotionally exhausting days I've had in awhile. My car broke down today on the way to Salt Lake for General Conference, Saturday morning session. It died in Lehi and luckily we were able to get off of the freeway before it was ultimately dead as a doornail. Turns out it was the alternator. That set me back a pretty penny and I didn't get to go to a session of Conference. I haven't ever been for Conference. I've been for a Relief Society meeting, but never for Conference. I finally ate food today. I had some of my Brown Bean/Tortilla soup and some of my overdone biscuits and a glass of juice. Food should have been a priority because of my slight hypoglycemia but I was just too distraught thinking about everything that I'd need to do if I didn't get my car back today. It was stressful to say the very least. Conference was good though. I definitely needed to hear it and my heart was prepared.
It's hard to think about all the things that have been weighing on my mind. Mostly dealing with money and many instances that require me to jump out there into the darkness and just put my faith and trust in God fully. Man, that's scary. Let's just say the broken car was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Dealing with possibilities of seeing new doctors and having a plethora of tests done on my me. Thinking about how I'm going to pay for my car, and the rest of my obligations, remembering that I have a chronic disease (yes that is technically what it's called. I checked.) and therefore I shouldn't be running faster than I have strength. I seem to do that regularly though. I am of the opinion that I can always do more. I'm learning to accept that I HAVE limitations and realizing what my "best" is. I may think it's crappy but it's my best and it is what it is.
This past Thursday night, a lady I work with said to me: "You look older tonight." It was very telling. My youthful sparkle was gone and my dad noticed it as well. He said, you look melancholy and I said, yeah, that's about right. The next day he sent me a text asking if I wanted a blessing. I agreed. I really think I do need one. I feel like I'm not myself and I'm not sure if I know the root cause of it all. I think it's just a combination of things altogether. Today just confirmed it. It could be because I stopped taking my prescribed Vitamin D because my prescription ran out. It could be because I'm thinking about my financial obligations and trying to budget like a good girl. It could be because I'm trunky and I want the school year to be over already and I still have 2 months left (As of today, actually!!). Not that my job is bad. I can honestly say I love my job. It's just super tiring and starts to wear on you after awhile.
Other than that, life is good. I know there are people who care about me and are aware of my difficulties. The hard part is accepting their help and their kindness. I'm struggling with the trials in my life right now and I'm not afraid to admit that. They are hard. I'm hoping that something good will come from them because right now they seem to loom over me like the overcast sky outside. I think of how the band Relient K has sung:"isn't nice to know that the lining is silver?"
I know it's in there somewhere. I have hope that all will work out for my good. Don't worry for me. I do enough of that myself. Thanks for listening to me gripe.
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